I'm just another forty something year old laid off ex-IT Professional from another soon to be failed dot com. Yeah. Let's blow our entire $100,000,000 working capital on stuff that nobody wants. We're a dot com and our stock is going to fly! They decided to structure the company into a corporation. Wow! Corporate life! It all went down hill from there.

My job was to support 125 spoiled brats who didn't know how to use computers even though their jobs depend on it. If you promote someone long enough, they'll get promoted into a position that's beyond their IQ and they'll need people like me to slap them around like Benny Hill.

My duty was to make these people look good with computers. Help them out, inflate their ego, and they get promoted again (hopefully far away from me). I don't mind supporting people. I just hate the stupid ones!

You know the type. They have the IQ of a doorknob.

Q: "My computer won't turn on. Why?"
A: "It's because there's a rolling blackout in the building. Didn't you notice the lights and elevator not working either?"

They're the ones you'd love to throw off the roof when no one's looking.

I did take an 'in between' job with a small company after the dot com layoff. Working here had the 'small town' feeling that felt so warn and fuzzy inside. Then just like the saying goes: "If it wasn't for bad luck, you wouldn't have any luck at all". This company got swallowed up by a Fortune 50 Corporation. Damn! How could lightning strike twice again!?

Your sense of self worth within any corporation all relies on how the corporate gods judge your job title. I was having lunch with a dozen co-workers when this guy in a Brook's Brothers suit decides he wants to impose himself upon our presence and sit at our table. Everyone got into their 'pretend to give a damn' personality and attend to his ego with endless "yes sir" and "no sir" and stupid false laughter. I wanted to puke after having to sit there on my own time and inhale twenty minutes of their bullsh*t fumes.

Right then and there, I understood just how and why people could go 'postal'. Up to this day, I still can't explain why I did what I did. I took the napkin dispenser and started handing out napkins to everyone at the table, telling them "you still have a little brown left on your nose".

Man, was this guy pissed!
"Do you know who I am?"
"Nope."
"I am the Vice President of Regional Operations for the West Coast!"
"Okay, my lunch is getting cold, I'm starving, and someone here at this table keeps cutting farts. So let me know when you get to the point where I'm supposed to give a damn so I'll know just when to be fake like everyone else here."

Needless to say, there were three empty banker's boxes on my desk after lunch.
"This came from the top. Pack up your crap and get out."

Plenty of 'high fives' flew that day and my name is still a legend around all the water coolers. I eventually got the last laugh. The VP didn't know this, but I was assigned to develop one of his pet projects eight months beforehand. They never could crack my password to open those files. It was '#gof*ckyourself!'. Simple, right? I even gave them the password every time they asked for it. #gof*ckyourself! Even with the password, they still couldn't open those files. IQ of a doorknob...

I swore never to work in a corporate environment again after that whole experience. I just can't breathe the air on that planet and all the life forms willingly eat each others waste. Does this sound a little bitter?

So I've decided to hang my own shingle outside my door and give a go at being self employed. I repair and upgrade computers, laptops, networks, and design web sites. I also install telephone and network wiring. The general rule is if it has something to do with computers, I'll do it. However, I do refuse to accept any work from people who don't know how to say "Hello" and "Thank you".

I don't mind being known as the 'number two guy'. I'm the second person everyone calls after the first one (who claims to have every PC industry certification known to man) totally screws up your network. Just remember, Microsoft MCSE Certification stands for 'Must Consult Someone Else'. Sure, I'm not getting filthily rich being self employed, but I sleep a hell of a lot better now, take next to no aspirins anymore, and my alarm clock currently gets very little mileage.

One bad habit I picked up from the dot com lifestyle is my insatiable appetite for collecting gadgets and stuff. I can't pass up a good deal on anything. Some of this stuff I actually use. The rest just lays around the house until I get bugged enough into getting rid of it. Or by necessity. I can't see the floor anymore. Drag it home where it all ends up sooner or later for sale here.

I also have three (actually four) other hobbies besides trying to get everyone's computers able run all of Microsoft's messed up products. They're fishing, modeling, electro-shock therapy, and sleeping.
There comes a time when every hobby is taken seriously. With me, that's fishing. When possible, just give me a place with water & fish and I'm there. Sure. I enjoy the scenery, company with friends, and all that stuff. But the first order of business is to catch fish first and have fun later. My next lucky fishing t-shirt is going to read "Shut Up and Fish".

I've always had an active interest in scale model building. It all started ever since I was old enough to figure out what Elmer's glue was all about. Thirty some odd years later, my model building experience has earned me the craft and wages of a semi-professional builder. I also use it as problem solving therapy. Can't find a solution to a problem? Whip out a model and start building. It'll come to you soon enough. It works for me. Just remember, paint and glue give off nasty fumes. So do it in a well ventilated place or you'll wake up a babbling idiot in no time flat.

Well, it's not exactly electro-shock therapy, but I fool around with electrical stuff. I take broken stuff apart, salvage all the useful guts and make other stuff with it. My latest phase is taking certain motors out of major appliances and making wind powered electrical generators. I find it entertaining to see my neighbors scratching their heads while they watch me work on stuff. Who would have known that my old dishwasher could charge up the batteries in my boat?

Last, but not least, is everyone's favorite hobby.. sleeping. Isn't it?

Family life? Don't got time. Got a wife and two kids. Seriously, my family's the best. They're more than anyone can ever ask for. My wife holds it all together. It would take four of me to equal all the stuff that she does in a day. Besides caring for our eight year old daughter, our disabled twelve  year old son, and me; she also aides and assists everyone in contact of her daily life. She's great at mentoring parents with disabled children.

Doing all this and whatever leftover time we have, we throw some serious barbeques! Just mention the magic 'barbeque' word. If I can't remember when the last time we had one, it's time. Sure, kill any animal and bring it over. I'll cook it. Just play with my kids while I'm cooking. Successful barbeques are when your guests leave before the eleven o'clock news, the dishes are already done, there's enough leftovers for dinner tomorrow, and your kids are already snoring away. Don't forget to take three aspirins before going to bed. You'll get over the hangover quicker.

Summary:

Fun. Remember what this word means? Try to include this word in something you do at least once a day. I never want to grow up. Life's too short. Be a kid as long as you can get away with it. You'll live longer. Even if you already have kids. You can be kids together. Just be good, honest, and everything will fall in place for you and yours.

Did any of this make sense?

email:
ken@kensgaragesale.com